Diner Chaos
by muaaimoi
Summary: Au. Penny headed to New York instead of California and Sheldon's barber falls ill a few years early. They both end up working in Hans Diner. Shenny and Maxoline, because I must have them both.
1. Chapter 1

Penny, pacing in a crappy motel room, is starting to hate New York. She'd been working two jobs, living in a crap apartment with two other roommates and barely making ends meet. Then her stupid pothead roommate had dropped a cherry bomb in the toilet and gotten them evicted. She'd also gotten fired from her waitressing gig that day because she hadn't managed to make it to work since her toilet had exploded and she'd had to move.

Now she's living in a motel and missing the nice regular sized roaches from her old apartment. The ones in the motel are huge, the kind that audibly crackle when you squished them, she threw up in her mouth a little last time she killed one. And the kicker is that of course her boss from the boutique she'd worked for had decided to lay her off as well.

It makes her want to give up. She had so many dreams when she moved to New York City. Such a strong drive to make something of herself. But it's like the universe is working against her, and she can only take so many beatings before she throws in the towel. Feeling caged by the claustrophobic walls of the room, Penny decides to take a walk.

It's a remarkably stupid thing to do at night, particularly as a woman, in Brooklyn especially. But Penny is feeling pretty stupid for moving somewhere as expensive and dangerous as New York in the first place, so what's one more dumb thing on top of that?

x

Max stares at Han like he just declared himself King Dork of the Nerds. Considering Han had just told them all he had been talking to someone on Myspace, the shoe fucking fits. Who on earth still uses Myspace? She had always known nothing good could come of Hans 'hip and cool' obsession. The flash mob had been a blatant warning sign, but she sure as hell hadn't seen the whole 'swapping lives' thing coming. So now they have to wait around for their soon to be new 'manager'.

Han planned to train him for a few days, and then go move into the dudes place in California. The guy's like a professor or something and all Han has to do is play tapes of the lectures and hand out tests. It's practically a vacation. The lucky bastard. The professor dude, Sheldon, who considering the fact that his parents had named him Sheldon, was probably used to getting the raw end of the deal, would realize how much running a diner actually sucked, and take his anger out on them eventually.

"This is a terrible idea." Caroline announces, because she is sensible at heart. The rest of them nod. Han, as he usually does when faced with common sense, ignores them all.

"Worse than the Karaoke machine." Earl adds, with the vague horror of a well suppressed memory.

Max shudders,"How long do we have to wait around for this guy anyway?"

Han looks at his watch,"He should have been here already. I hope he's alright, he didn't strike me as someone who would be late."

"How long will you be gone?" Oleg asks. He is no doubt looking forward to slacking off twice as much as before. Max had admittedly entertained a similar fantasy before realizing that it wasn't physically possible.

"Six months!" Han says enthusiastically, like they aren't staring at him like they're living a horror movie and Han is the killer psycho clown. Granted it's not exactly a new look when it comes to Han, but she would feel better if it looked like it had at least phased him.

"This is a terrible idea," Max says, because it bears repeating.

x

Sheldon wished he had stayed in California. He was trying to embrace the chaotic nature of the world. He really, truly was. But it would be impossible to do so if he was dead. Considering the fact that he was currently being mugged, and he had left his wallet in his hotel room, the end of his life was possibly close at hand.

"I told you to give me your wallet!" The rough voice of his assailant hissed behind him. Weapon digging insistently into his back. It didn't feel like any firearm he was familiar with, but he had been exposed to more riffles than handguns, which were infinitely more suited to assaulting innocent civilians in city streets.

"I assure you if I had it I would have handed it over the first time you asked." Sheldon insisted.

"Take off your pants," his assailant ordered.

"Wha-" Sheldon began, certain he'd misheard.

He was promptly cut off, "I said take off your pants or I'll blow your fucking head off!"

Hands flying towards his belt buckle Sheldon removed his pants as quickly as he could.

"Hey!" A voice called from behind them, spooking his attacker and sending them scurrying away.

"Oh my god, are you alright?" The voice asks, and he turns to see a blonde woman wringing her hands, "Did he hurt you?"

"Considering that I realized he was threatening me with a cellphone instead of a gun when he ran away with my pants? I suppose I'm just fine." Chaos was very frightening, having made the choice to embrace it had worked wonders on his nerves. It didn't keep his knees from going weak at the sheer relief of not having been in any true danger, however.

His savior laughs, a loud, nearly hysterical sounding fit of giggles. He watches her amusement, bemused. Weren't good Samaritans supposed to care for the plights of others, instead of finding them amusing?

"I'm Penny," She says, offering her hand and attempting to smother the last of her hilarity. "Sorry, I just-I needed that."

Sheldon shook her hand," I am Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and I need pants."

His words set Penny giggling anew.

"Sorry, sorry. I think I can help you with that."

**x**

**So I think we all knew it was only a matter of time? Um-mega props to mjhammer for sparking this, helping me brainstorm ideas, and playing beta. Hat's off my friend.**


	2. Chapter 2

Caroline hates wasting time. Hates standing around waiting for a new boss that she doesn't want when she can be doing something productive instead. By the time a tall blue eyed guy walks in holding up a pair of sweats that are clearly too large on him she wants to hit something.

Everyone," Han calls, "this is my friend, Sheldon Cooper. He is going to be manager while I am gone."

Why were you so late?" Caroline asks impatiently, before the guy can say anything.

I got mugged on my way here," Sheldon says. "They took my pants. I was saved by a woman who offered me her ex-boyfriend's sweats."

Max smirks, "Welcome to Brooklyn. Enjoy your stay."

Max!" Han chastises, like Max would ever listen, and introduces them. Luis is giving him the same hungry look he usually gives Olaf, and Caroline has to bite back her giggle. If nothing else working at the diner has proved surprisingly entertaining.

So why do you want to run the Diner?" She asks, cutting to the chase. He is a college professor after all, and presumably intelligent. Why someone take such a huge step down financially is beyond her. Is he one of those quirky quacks that does not understand the importance of money?

Sheldon's smiles in a manner that is quite clearly strained, "I am attempting to embrace the chaotic nature of the world. A drastic change in routine seemed like a good step in that direction."

Definitely a quirky quack Caroline decides, although it doesn't seem to phase Luis much. But then-neither had the fact that Oleg was straight.

It's such a shame tomorrow's my last day." Luis says, giving Sheldon bedroom eyes. "I think I could really help with that."

Ah yes." Sheldon says, turning to Han."You mentioned we would have to hire a new day-waiter before you left. If I may make a suggestion. The woman who saved me is staying in a motel room, which is a good indication that she's new in town and in need of work. Would you mind if I extended the offer of employment?"

Does she have any waitressing experience?" Han asks, because he's a total pushover.

I can ask." Sheldon offers.

You know she might already have a job lined up." Caroline interjects, being the born opportunist she is. "Why don't you bring her some muffins. We have a really great selection at our cupcake window."

x

Penny feels so much better after she rescues the guy. It's partly that she feels like a hero, partly that she can't remember the last time she laughed so hard. And the betrayed look the guy gave her every time she giggled had just made it harder to stop.

It doesn't make her motel room suck any less, or the knowledge that she's quickly running out of cash any less pressing. But now it doesn't feel so final. She could always try LA. And hell, she heard some places in Canada were pretty good for actresses as well. She's going to make it. Come hell or high water. So she goes online and and tries to find some places to hit up for work bright and early. She's pretty and friendly, she's totally going to find something. So she sets her alarm, gets ready for bed, and drifts off to thoughts of paid bills and roommates who wouldn't cost her her deposit.

When someone comes knocking at her door bright and early, she's actually awake, and mostly dressed.

When she opens the door the first thing she sees is a basket of muffins. There's even a thank you note with her name on it. She's laughs, delighted. It's the guy from last night. Her mood, having been taking a downturn at the prospect of spending the day job hunting does a complete one eighty.

The fantastic way the muffins smell really help.

Good morning Penny." Sheldon says, holding out the basket. "These are for you. I couldn't decide what type would be the most appropriate to show gratitude so I purchased one of each."

Aw, sweetie, you didn't have to!" She says, even as she mentally deducts from her food expenses from her budget for at least a week. It's a big basket. "But thank you!"

I have also come with a job offer. Tell me, do you have any waitressing experience?"

Penny can't quite believe her luck, "I do!"

Excellent, I've managed to get you an interview in a diner."

By the time Sheldon leaves Penny feels her luck has finally turned around. She turns on her laptop and searches a few auditions she can try for after the job interview. If life as a New Yorker has taught her anything, it's that you should always push your luck while it's there to be pushed.

**x**

**Thanks to mjhammer for playing beta!**


	3. Chapter 3

Max has seen some truly oblivious people in her life. None of them, absolutely none, compare to Sheldon Cooper.

Watching Luis flirt with him is deeply, deeply hilarious. Funnier than watching him flirt with Oleg, even. Because Sheldon doesn't seem to have a clue. No matter where Luis puts his hands, which have been steadily edging towards Sheldons ass. No matter how direct and outrageous the come on.

Sheldon just blinks his baby blues, not unlike a startled doe, and keeps talking like he genuinely doesn't realize he's being hit on.

"Excuse me," Someone, probably one of the many customers she's been ignoring, starts, attempting to draw her attention away from the most entertaining spectacle she's seen in a while.

Max responds the same way she had when a customer first tried it, lifting her hand in front of the persons face and going, "shush, busy now."

"What-" The chick squawked indignant.

"Shush." Max repeated, not moving her hand. Luis has forgone all (terrible)attempts at subtlety and palmed Sheldon's ass. And still, all he got was that surprised blink, no understanding from Sheldon at all. She laughed.

"Sheldon!" The indignant chick gasps, causing Max to glance at her. She was a really cute blonde actually. Not quite Caroline hot, but then, who was? Her green eyes were wide with shock, as she stared at Luis who, dammit Max had totally missed him making his move. He was totally macking on Sheldon, pulling him into a hot kiss that spoke of exactly how much of a top he really was.

"Damn." Max says in pure admiration. She really did like Luis. She especially admired the way Luis just let Sheldon go, sashayed to the door in a way that did wonders for his ass. Did a catwalk turn on the door, made a call me gesture with his hand and winked at Sheldon, who looked back at him completely dazed.

The man had class.

It was such a shame he'd quit, Max had never even gotten any pointers.

x

Sheldon finds the employees of the Diner to be subpar. The decor is terrible and the food storage in violation of several health codes. The quality of the food is only worth mentioning for the time it takes to gag in disgust. He is looking forward to the sheer amount of work that he has to do. He is not one to know what to do with things like free time. He has a book to work on for the university on the off hours working at the diner won't take up. And if he finishes it too quickly there is always the bongos to play.

His elation is somewhat tempered by Han's insistence that he not fire anyone. But Sheldon believes he can succeed as a manager regardless of all obstacles. He has an unending faith in his genius, and even if he didn't, he could hardly make the place worse.

He's waiting for Penny to show up to her interview when he is presented with Luis, the previous day waiter. What follows is one of the most baffling conversations Sheldon has ever had, and there have been many. The resulting lip lock, passionate and intrusive, is somewhat surreal to him. As is Luis's parting gesture.

His mother had warned him that he was too pretty for the city. Although one would think that any kind of homosexual experience would have happened either in college, where such experiments were typically held. Or during his brief sojourns in San Francisco, which was fairly famous for it's high population of homosexuals.

Bemused as he is, it takes him a few minutes to register Penny's presence.

Once he does, it becomes very simple to shrug the whole thing off, Sheldon is very goal oriented, and there is Penny to interview. He is very aware of how intimate the hold chaos has on his life is, it shouldn't surprise him that a man was his first kiss...and yet somehow it does.

X

Caroline watches the new day waiter leave and misses the chance to introduce herself. She doesn't get much time to think about it though because Max rushes over.

"You totally missed it." Her roommate says with a wicked twist of her lips. Max's mouth is remarkably distracting on occasion. Caroline mentally files that thought under 'not to be reflected upon at any time'. She really can't afford to be attracted to her roommate. She isn't even attracted to women, she doesn't know what's so special about Max that Caroline can't help but notice things like that.

"Missed what?" Sophie asks, making one of her signature entrances.

"The new Doctor guy that's going to be a manager here totally made out with Luis in front of everyone!" Max gushes gleefully, and Caroline is momentarily grateful that she's not a guy because then everyone would be able to see how much Caroline enjoyed seeing that smile on her face.

"Doctor?" Sophie enquires, "Where?"

Max points at Sheldon who is holding court with Han, indoubtably about his future responsibilities as a manager. Caroline can't help a flash of pity as Sophie zeroes in on him and takes off.

"Watch this." Max says with relish.

And they do, they watch Sophie all but manhandle Sheldon with her aggressive flirting. Caroline giggles as Sheldon's face betrays his panic.

"I think he might see it coming this time." Max muses aloud, "He totally had no clue when Luis was flirting with him."

Caroline can almost pinpoint the moment moment comprehension dawns as Sophie starts to lean forward. He tries to lean back, but Sophie sees it coming and grabs hold of his shirt collar, planting one on him in front of the whole diner. Caroline can't help herself, she laughs.

Maybe having Sheldon as manager won't be so bad. It might actually be more entertaining than having Han

**X**

**Props to mjhammer for beta and ideas.**


End file.
